Dilemma of a 20 something.

Summer of 2005, I left my home for the first time and went to Kota for preparatory studies. I have been in a long distance relationship with my family ever since. I of course visit sometimes and things changed as I went from high school to college to working jobs in different cities. I also got to stay with my family for some time im between until we had to part ways again and I had to work somewhere other than where my father did.

I leaent that we move to places other than where our families are, because we need money, and we need to go away looking for it.

I’ve been working since the last 5 years and I have been away from home for 13 years now.

I am 28 and my parents want me to get married and start a family but I don’t feel very comfortable with the idea.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my family and I want my parents to be happy but I have tried being in relationships and I don’t feel any attachment with any one. And it’s marriage they are talking about; so I can’t break it up like I could relationships.

It’s just that I have lived on my terms for so long and whether or not I live a great life like this, I feel threatened by a foreign body entering the sanctum of my being.

I know I live a lazy, non-exciting life, most of which is filled with work, sleep, gaming and reading, but I have kinda made a cocoon, if you will and I know, by that theory, I am supposed to get out and evolve, but I don’t feel the urge to. At least not now.

I also tried to force myself into a relationship lately. I know that’s wrong but I thought I’ll be able to make it work. After very soon, I began to despise going on dates or taking her calls or even thinking about her.

Then it hit me that I do sincerely like another girl and I have liked her for a long time now but she’s in a relationship and I can’t do anything. She may soon get married to her boyfriend and I’ll hit reality and learn to move on. She is the only logical reason I can muster to not liking anyone else. Because even when I am with another, I keep thinking about this girl. So, I have stopped trying to look for another or trying to marry anyone. Let her get married first. I don’t want to regret that I didn’t even wait for a miracle, should it happen. I’ll see her go, walking happily with whom who she wants to and that will redeem me as well and teach me a much needed lesson in life.

*sigh*